Before the acquiring the awareness that we are all responsible for ourselves, we look outside for “the one” who can fill our empty parts, this longing we have for wholeness. Until we realize no one person or thing can make us happy if we’re not, we continue to fantasize about the ideal lover, partner, or friend. When we search for a relationship, we are still a nebula, indistinct in our Self, unaware of our own luminous matter. We’re in a comparison stage, looking outside the Self for completion, validation, and unconditional love.
We often start by looking for what we feel is incomplete within us. That part we just can’t seem to find or fill. This could be a personality trait, a denied experience which left a gaping hole in the soul. Or it could stem from the desire to feel united with a higher power, a feeling of connectedness. If we find any of these qualities in another person, even for a moment, we seem to cling to them, believing we’re incomplete without them.
This entry was inspired by a conversation I had with two male clients. Both had been through several unsuccessful intimate relationships. In both cases, they put their significant other in the position of being responsible for fulfilling their unmet needs.
This phenomenon isn’t exclusive to men or women. However, I will tell you this. No other human being is capable of creating happiness for someone else. That’s the death sentence of a relationship. Because these men idolized their mates, an immense pressure was created that caused the relationship to unfold. No person can be all things to one person all of the time.
The rush to love, commitment, and this romantic notion of “happily ever after” appears to hold the solution to our longing for wholeness. Our culture recommends and supports the idea that we live half of a life until we find someone to settle down with. I believe what we’re really searching for is the Self in it’s wholeness. To be whole, which happens the moment we accept ourselves as “in progress,” both incomplete and complete at the same time. It’s a timeless state. Accepting yourself as this work in progress unites your past and present with a power and will to explore the future.
The relationship with and to Self is your primary relationship. When you have learned a few miserable lessons, tried all possible avenues to control, manipulate, and insure that what you need and want will constantly be provided by your partner – when you are finally broken to pieces – that is the time and opportunity to take the step toward what is inevitable, facing your relationship with yourself.
This includes making amends with your broken pieces. This is not the time to give up. This is the time to take your history and make sense of it. Whatever you think you are missing is inside waiting for you to claim it. After all, we have everything we need to survive and thrive in this lifetime. When you can honor your life, wounds and all, and see the potential for growth, your relationships become a source of discovery into lost and evolving parts of yourself. Relationships are important because they help us learn these life lessons faster. Relationships are a gift we give ourselves. We can’t covet them.
Relationships bring information about ourselves to the forefront.
In a healthy relationship each person is responsible for their inner journey and respects the journey of the other. There is mutual care rather than emotional rescue. Each person is given freedom to evolve with the movement of their soul. This goes for lovers, partners, companions, any and all relationships regardless of number of months or years we are in orbit with that person.